There are two inevitable facts at play in this post: I can’t be everywhere at once, and I can’t drink myself under the table in order to be everywhere in one night. That said, there’s a pretty substantial list of beer events coming up here in the city, and while I can’t say I’ll be at all of them, I certainly dare someone to try.

First off, Blind Tiger Ale House will play host to a visit from Bear Republic tomorrow starting at 4pm. They’re calling it “The Bear Republic Massacre,” and from the sheer length of the list of kegs they’ll be tapping, you can see why:

Bear Republic Apex (Imp IPA)
Bear Republic Black Raven Porter
Bear Republic Cher Ami
Bear Republic Double Rocket (Imp Red)
Bear Republic End ‘09
Bear Republic Five Zero (Imp IPA)
Bear Republic The Grizz (Brown Ale)
Bear Republic Hefeweizen
Bear Republic Heritage (Scottish Ale)
Bear Republic Nor Cal (Pale Ale)
Bear Republic Olde Scoutter’s (Barley-Wine)
Bear Republic Rebellion (Amber Ale)
Bear Republic Triple
Bear Republic El Oso (Dortmunder Pils)
Bear Republic Roggenbier (Traditional German Rye)
Bear Republic Rye Pale Ale
Bear Republic Flashpoint Porter
Bear Republic ESB
Bear Republic Carburetar (Doppelbock)
Bear Republic Crazy Ivan (Belgian Strong)
Bear Republic Eleven
Bear Republic Racer X (Cask & Draught)
Bear Republic Racer 5
Bear Republic Red Rocket
Bear Republic Hop Rod Rye
Bear Republic Big Bear Stout
Bear Republic XP (Pale Ale)
Bear Republic Peter Brown
Bear Republic Clobberskull (English Strong)
Bear Republic Tayan Brut

Next, on Thursday night, Standings will play host to Founders Brewing, a recent newcomer to the New York beer scene. There’s a short but sweet list of beers, and they’ll be accompanied by free pizza at 8pm:

Founders Centennial IPA
Founders Double Trouble IPA
Founders Porter
Founders Dirty Bastard

Friday night kicks off my favorite tri-annual event in the world. Actually, it’s one of the only tri-annual events I know of. The Brazen Head in Brooklyn and Gotham Imbiber present the 21st Tri-Annual Cask Festival. It runs all weekend long, and ten of these casks - some local, some rare - could be tapped at any given time:

Harviestoun Haggis Hunter Ale
William Brothers’ Heather Joker IPA
Bru Room Naz Barley Wine
Victory Pursuit Pale Ale
East End Black Strap Stout
Stoudt’s Double IPA
Blue Point Sour Cherry Imperial Stout
Clipper City Peg Leg Imperial Stout
Clipper City Holy Sheet
Pretty Things St. Botolphs Town
Pretty Things Fluffy White Rabit
Heartland Mr. Atlas IPA
Lowell Beer Works Belgium Quadrupple
Kunhenn Anneliese Amber
Chelsea Brown Ale
Chelsea Spring Wheat
Kelso IPA
Livery Karhu IPA
Pear Street Savers Edge Double IPA
Michigan Brewery Celis White
Michigan Brewery Mai Bock
Pear Street Porter
Defiant Porter
Pizzeria Uno Pale Bock
Pizzeria Uno Ike’s IPA
Shawnee VSOP

And there’s more to come! Did that blow your mind? I hope so. The event runs through Sunday, unless they run out of beer like Gotham Imbiber’s last event.

Saturday also happens to be National Homebrew Day, and The Diamond in Greenpoint is having a homebrewing demonstration outside in its backyard. You can bring assorted meats to grill, as they’ll also have the grill fired up (Saturday’s weather looks pretty darn good). Oh, and they’ll also be pouring Sierra Nevada Fritz and Ken’s 30th Anniversary Ale, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, and Anchor Steam, with all proceeds going to charity.

(Speaking of Anchor Beer, did you hear Fritz Maytag sold the brewery?)

Okay, I’m spent… much like spent grain that I need to go clean out of my mash tun.

For an article about “New York’s beer scene,” there doesn’t look to be much “New York beer” in that picture. Or any at all, in fact.

Every time a major media outlet acknowledges that the beer scene in New York City is worth writing about, it makes me smile. And then I inevitably get into a debate with friends about what massive gaps exist in the article.

In the less-debatable realm, GQ.com put out a list of “50 Beers to Try Now,” and it gives a nod to several New York state breweries, recommending Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout, Ommegang Hennepin, and Sixpoint Sweet Action. Putting these in the same discussion as Anchor and Stone is a huge nod to the legitimacy of brewing in New York City.

On the other hand, the May issue of Bon Appetit has a travel guide to the New York beer scene. Before we even discuss the content, it’s worth noting that of the six photos in the article, not a single one displays an American craft beer - let alone a local craft beer. The recommendations are horribly flawed, considering that the article opens up by mentioning the long history of beer in New York and gives nods to Brooklyn Brewery, Sixpoint, and Kelso. Of the nine places recommended for beer drinking in the article, only four regularly serve any of these local brands on tap.

Don’t get me wrong: the bars and restaurants they mention in the article are still pretty good spots, but why would you recommend the Standard Biergarten over The Ginger Man, Der Schwarze Kolner over Bar Great Harry, or Radegast over Barcade or the Brooklyn Brewery? For an article about the “New York Beer Scene,” this author seems to be hopelessly obsessed with German beer. If this was truly an article about great international beers in New York, what about Belgian beer? Where’s the love for Vol de Nuit?

If you’re traveling to New York for the beer, you want local beer. If you want to travel for German beer, go to Germany. It seems like Bon Appetit completely missed the purpose of beer tourism. Luckily, I doubt many hop heads are getting their beer advice from Bon App.

It’s not every day that you get an opportunity to take a tour of the Sixpoint Craft Ales Brewery in Brooklyn. When it comes to Brooklyn’s small brewers, it’s a bit harder to see the full operation without peeking through a window or begging and pleading with a brewery staffer.

Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be that way on May 22nd. Urban Oyster will be offering a tour and tasting at Sixpoint’s brewery in Red Hook. Since Sixpoint doesn’t regularly offer tours to the public, this is a rare opportunity, and it’ll only run you $30.

On top of the tour and tasting, the group will head over to Brooklyn Ice House afterwards for a one-hour open bar of Sixpoint on draft.

For more info, visit Urban Oyster’s web site.

Ahem. It’s that day when some people choose to celebrate the use of a certain illicit substance. But rather than risk getting thrown in jail, why not observe this holiday with a beer or two?

California’s Nectar Ales once had a beer they called Humboldt Brown, a beer brewed with hemp seeds, with a name that honored the county known for pumping out more green than most people could even imagine. It now goes by the name Hemp Ale, but it’s still a tasty brown ale, with the hemp seeds giving the beer a toasted nut flavor. At last check, you could grab this beer at the Whole Foods Beer Room at their Houston Street location.

Then, there are the super hoppy IPAs that stink to high heaven like a bag of that something special. It’s hard to find even in its home state of Vermont, but Lawson’s Finest Liquids’ Hopzilla ranks high (no pun intended) on my “aroma of mary jane” list. Plus, it’s from Vermont, which has a certain stereotype when it comes to that sort of thing.

If you’re more in the mood for taking things literally, Kalamazoo, Michigan brewery Dark Horse brewed an IPA last year called Smells Like Weed IPA. I guess that leaves nothing to the imagination.

Hops are in the cannibus family, so it should come as no surprise that the scent of a super-hoppy beer resembles that of many college quads today.

Happy drinking. And, uh, don’t do drugs.

So, tax day has come and gone. Did you get a big refund? Did you have to pay? Well, either way, we have a beer solution for you this weekend.

IF YOU HAD TO PAY UP

Let’s say times are tough, and you just had to shovel out a helluva lot of money to the state and the Feds. Well, thankfully, you can still drink good beer without breaking the bank.

The recession-proof Pony Bar, of course, is a good start. There, you could revel in a glass of Nebraska Infinite Wit or Blue Point Hoptical Illusion on tap, or Kuhnhenn Loonie Kuhnie on cask this weekend - all for $5. If you venture out to Brooklyn, new outdoor beer bar Mission Dolores has made a good effort to keep their beer affordable, and while their entire list isn’t $5, Speakeasy White Lightning, McNeill’s IPA, and Lagunitas Pils all are (and they’re $4 during happy hour). If you’re really tightening your belt, they even have Yuengling and Gennesee Cream Ale for $4 a pint.

If you’re looking for some free food, head over to Standings, where you can wash down free pizza tonight at 8pm with a Kelso IPA or the unique red rye beer Two Brothers Cane & Ebel.

IF YOU GOT A BIG REFUND

Let’s say you got a big check from the Feds and feel no need to stash it away for a rainy day. Actually, even if you do, tomorrow is supposed to be a rainy day. It’s a win-win situation! If money is no object, you could choose to blow it all on beer.

You could head to Yankee Stadium for their series against the Rangers and spend $10 on a Budweiser, but I don’t think that would be a prudent use of money and wouldn’t wish that upon my richest enemy. Instead, travel to Patchogue and take most of that refund check to give a passer-by an offer he can’t refuse: buy a ticket to the sold-out Blue Point Cask Ale Festival off of someone. There, you’ll be able to have the Blue Point 10th Anniversary IPA, as well as NYC newcomer Greenport Harbor Black Duck Porter. The experience will be priceless.

If you want to use that money to get obliterated, you might as well do it with some good beer. Head to Rattle-N-Hum as they continue their Cask Festival through Sunday. Among the casks already tapped: Brew Dog Isle of Aran, Troegs Nugget Nectar, and Rogue Somer Orange Honey Ale. They’re keeping a whopping 20 casks on at any given time, so collect ‘em all! Unless the management kicks you out for having a few too many.

Rich or poor, here’s to a good weekend full of rich experiences!